Total Score: No Score Because Not A Song But Trust Me It’s Bad
In an effort to pad out the number of posts, since songs that I thought were SJ solo songs, or SJ feat. Other Person, are turning out to be Other Person feat. SJ, I decided to write up Super Junior’s movie, Attack on the Pin-Up Boys. This was produced by Lee Soo Man (of course) and written by Park Yeonseon, who has written several other K-dramas and movies. Why would Super Junior get their own non-documentary feature film, you might ask, when they had not even existed for two full years yet and they weren’t even up to their second album? How exactly short was the production time on this, given that it was released July 2007, Kyuhyun’s accident was in April 2007, and Kyuhyun isn’t in this due to accident? These are all damn good questions! Because this movie is fucking awful! Spoilers under the cut. (It’s a ten year old movie, but you never know.)
Attack on the Pin-Up Boys is, in brief summary, a mystery starring Kibum as a high school student/amateur detective, and all the other SJ dudes as various other high school dudes who are all very attractive, and someone is throwing bags full of liquid shit at them (yes, really), and the plot of the movie revolves around determining who is the attacker. What this actually turned out to be is a movie that makes no one in Super Junior look good, other than maybe Hangeng, Yesung, and Eunhyuk. Siwon and Heechul come off as insufferable smug assholes; Sungmin is not quite as actively assholeish but still pretty full of himself; and Shindong, Donghae, Ryeowook, and Kangin all come off as stupid (Donghae gets briefly smarter towards the end but then goes back to stupid). This in no way jibes with their music videos in which they by and large come off as very likable – was this supposed to be fan bait? Do Korean SJ fans actually like this? (Internet says almost all SJ fans like this. I have no idea.)
Full plot summary and writeup below the five golden poops.
Attack on the Pin-up Boys opens with Kibum and Donghae sitting at a skate park at night, talking shit on Siwon and Heechul (everyone in this movie goes by their real names) for being snobby pretty boys, and talking shit on each other, and talking about the rumor that the prettiest, most handsomest boy at another school was attacked. All of Donghae’s lines here are slow and badly timed, and either through mannerisms or through dialogue he comes off as actively obtuse. In the middle of this scene is a brief montage talking about how difficult it is to go through puberty in high school and then have to get into college.
Cut to the school with the soon-to-be-attacked student in question, who is walking down the hall, shot from behind, in slow-mo, with screaming girls lining the hall getting the vapors. Who might this prettiest, most handsomest boy be? Why, it’s Sungmin, who carefully touches a apparently 10-year-old girl’s hands as she hands him a Valentine’s Day gift, and her pigtails turn up like Pippi Longstocking and she faints. Sungmin chuckles in an amused fashion, because Sungmin, like a good chunk of SJ in this movie, is very full of himself, and then he opens his locker and candy flings out sporadically like someone was throwing it at him. Then there are more scenes of his pretty-boy handsome aura which just sparkles out of him no matter where he goes. Then he is walking home through an alley with an armload of gifts (including a doll that seems to look like him), and someone calls his name, and he turns around and gets SMACKED IN THE FACE WITH A BAG OF LIQUID SHIT. The shit is helpfully pixellated out.
SUDDENLY! Bunch of random dudes playing basketball on a rather expensive-looking outdoor court. Oh wait, Hangeng is one of the random dudes. He goes to a different school from Sungmin and from Kibum and Donghae, apparently. Hangeng gets some fancypants slow-mo basketball shot while special effects occur in the background of boys going “waaaa” and girls flinging themselves around in hysterics. He winks cheekily at the camera. Then he walks down a dark alley and gets shit-faced (ha ha) as well, again in slow-mo, with his mouth open wide. He retches near a street light. This is the last time we see him all movie and he had exactly 0 lines.
SUDDENLY! Yesung (of all people) is leading some hard rock band, with tartan plaid pants and chains and stuff. Later, down the alley, shitbomb from above this time, while Yesung is yelling, so mouth open again, because no one learns anything in this movie, particularly not to walk down dark alleys with your mouth open. That’s the end of the movie for Yesung too. Yesung and Hangeng had better things to do.
Phoenix Kibum decides to start a blog to chronicle and investigate all this, so: TITLE DROP! Literally, onto a hundred pandas and a shiny sparkly turd. His mom comes in to give him a snack and tell him to not work so hard, or something, and I swear they build it up with tense music so you think here comes Kibum-mom with the shit balloon.
Phoenix Kibum and Donghae Butz are walking to school the next day, and Phoenix Kibum has a theory that the mystery pooper will attack someone at their school next, because their school is next in alphabetical order from Sungmin’s and Hangeng’s and Yesung’s schools. If so, since the only people attacked are legendarily pretty boys, it will have to be one of the “Blue Troika,” which is a profoundly silly term.
We see Siwon leading a group of people (Ryeowook right behind him) with glasses and a dour expression on his face. They all go into a classroom and sit around a conference table, Siwon staring out the window with his back to everyone, faint Vader breathing heard. Ryeowook in an overly dramatic way asks if dear kind sir Siwon is worried about the phantom pooper. Siwon hits him with Palpatine lightning while Ryeowook wails. Siwon is being painted as actively evil and I am not sure he smiles once in the whole movie. Phoenix Kibum provides some voiceover about how Siwon has been a handsome genius since childhood or something.
Next we see Donghae, Heechul, and Shindong at dance practice. Heechul is apparently the leader, in a plot point that makes zero sense given that he had roboleg during this and also that he’s never been a lead dancer. (Eunhyuk and Hangeng, the real lead dancers, were relegated to non-dance parts, because I don’t know.) Donghae and Shindong do most of the dancing; Heechul does the patented Britney arm waving. Then Shindong rolls around on the floor in a hammy fashion (pun not intended) being fat and complaining, and Donghae and Heechul call him a fatso and kick him and stuff. Heechul is apparently the second pretty boy, per Phoenix Kibum.
Third one is Kangin, who does judo along with Eunhyuk and the school mascot, who is a panda. (Panda mascot was played by Ryeowook.) Kangin is apparently legendarily good at it, even though all he knows how to do is flip people. After he flips everyone around for a while he apologizes and begs forgiveness, because he is a violent thug, see, but with a heart of gold.
For some reason I don’t remember, Siwon, Heechul and Kangin get summoned to the principal’s office, so that we can see that the principal is of course the usual asshole out-of-touch old guy who yells at the damn kids and whatnot. Siwon smirks his way through it. After they leave, he places bets with other school administrators on who the next victim will be. Then Heechul and Kangin walk down the stairs and get into an argument in which Kangin calls Heechul useless and Heechul calls Kangin stupid, and then Siwon pushes right through the middle of the conversation, and basically this movie is just a parade of assholes at this point.
Meanwhile, Sungmin’s status as poop victim has apparently elevated him to actual celebrity status, so he gets a photoshoot and magazine covers. This makes Heechul very jealous, so after he shoos away the ballet club (featuring SNSD’s Yuri), who have come to kick Heechul’s dance club out of their practice room, he enlists Shindong to take a bunch of photos of him. (Per my notes, there is more fat flailing at this point.) The idea I guess is that handsome pictures on the internet will result in him being a bigger target for poop and making him a star.
Kangin becomes jealous upon seeing Heechul’s photos online, so Eunhyuk encourages him to do his own photoshoot. This involves wearing a tropical shirt and aggressively doing the “U” humpty dance over and over. Kangin eventually gets fed up and takes the shirt off. Eunhyuk says “Actually let’s go with that, you have a nice body.” Kangin says “don’t be gay brah.” So the panda spritzes Kangin with water while he flexes his muscles and Eunhyuk takes a bunch of pics. Yes, from this point forward, Heechul and Kangin and to a lesser degree Siwon are all actively pursuing poopfaces.
Heechul sees Kangin’s muscley pics and comments that it looks like a photoshop. It does look like a photoshop, honestly. Heechul decides to take his own naked pictures, which ends up with him rolling around on the ground with his pants halfway down (he is wearing cartoon bunny boxers) while Donghae tries to get him to pull his pants up and Shindong takes pics.
Then Heechul and Kangin bump into each other in the hallway and stare lightning eyeballs at each other until asshole principal comes by and whacks them both on the head. Siwon overhears a bunch of people speculating about the next poop victim in the library and silences them all with an intimidating word.
Phoenix Kibum predicts that today is the day of the next victim, but his entire class is held three hours after school for being idiots (wtf). Donghae Butz conveniently sneaks out. Later, Phoenix Kibum receives a call on his way home that someone has been be-shitted, and goes 😮 when the person says who it is. Not Heechul. Not Kangin. Siwon comes strolling down the hall the next day with sparkly aura all over him. Ryeowook tosses his hair and shoos other students away. Kangin and Heechul go to Kangin’s mom’s diner or something and drink a bunch of Coke and drunkenly wail about it while “Rokkugo” plays in the background. (Kangin says the music sucks.) Apparently Sungmin has started dating BoA.
Asshole Principal is resentful that he has lost his bet about the next victim. Meanwhile, Phoenix Kibum goes evidence-hunting and finds a black garbage bag with flies all over it. He then seems to spot a hooded figure watching him from down the road. Hooded figure runs away. Phoenix Kibum then visits Siwon, who is in a classroom that seems to have been retrofitted as a hospital room or something. He makes a lot of smug comments about how Siwon faked the whole thing and his story doesn’t fit, and eventually tosses an actual poop bag that he made himself in Siwon’s face. (Why does he have poop bags and why does no one question this) Ryeowook is scandalized and outraged and very dramatic. I wonder why exactly Kibum is not under consideration for sexy poopbait, given that he’s just as attractive as anyone else in this movie. Is it just the glasses? Siwon eventually Palpatines Ryeowook away before he is able to lipsync for his life.
Heechul and Kibum are now passed out in the diner (on Coke, remember) and “First Express” is playing. Suddenly they receive simultaneous phone calls that Siwon was not actually pooped and they both get all “YASSS I WILL BE POOPED.” My note: “THIS MOVIE IS SO STUPID.” Sungmin is sent to report live from the school, because everyone just can’t wait to find out who will be pooped, and of course Sungmin talks about how dreamy he himself is, and when he tries to ask Siwon some probing questions Ryeowook literally shrieks at him.
By the end of the month, it turns out no one got pooped, and Heechul is HIGHLY DISAPPOINTED. Donghae Butz falls asleep in class and drools all over his book and just turns the page instead of cleaning it up (ewwww), Henry who doesn’t even go here is falling asleep in class too, and Phoenix Kibum is loudly ZOOM-AND-ENHANCING on his digital camera in class so the teacher slow-mo hurls some chalk at his head. Eventually he realizes that Donghae Butz wears the same type of shoes as the hooded guy in the photo.
Then there’s another scene with the teachers betting and/or being shitty, and then back to the judo club. Eunhyuk, I have noticed, bounces his leg like crazy in every single scene he’s in. I think it is supposed to be a character tic. They decide that in order to make himself a tastier victim, Eunhyuk should break Kangin’s arm. (This goddamn movie.) The dance club, including Shindong in a poop hat, speculates about where the best place is to stand in the alley, in order to be shitted. (THIS GODDAMN MOVIE.) Judo coach gives Kangin a bunch of crap for not getting the school team to nationals (doesn’t he only know one move?). Judo coach inadvertently breaks Kangin’s arm.
Donghae Butz is in the bathroom singing “U” to himself. Phoenix Kibum comes out of a stall and says some stuff to him implying “I’m onto you” and leaves. Donghae Butz acts fishy and leaves bathroom. Heechul wanders down the alley making elaborate “pretty boy faces” in desperate hope of getting poop in his face. He only finds Kangin, who is also wandering around in a cast hoping to get pooped. They both go hang out and commiserate about their lack of poop. In the meantime, Phoenix Kibum is also wandering around, when Donghae comes up to him and tells him he suspects Phoenix Kibum of being the poopmaster. He points out that only Kibum would have alphabetized the high schools that way, and also Kibum didn’t flush earlier in the bathroom. He dumps out Kibum’s camera bag, which is full of poop bags. MYSTERY SOLVED. Donghae and Kibum go sit in front of a store and discuss Kibum’s motives for VIOLENT STINKY ASSAULT while “the sweet nostalgia of youth” sorts of music play for some completely inexplicable reason. Apparently Kibum originally did it because he hated pretty boys, and then kept doing it because the whole thing took on a life of its own. They both basically lol about it. DONGHAE TURN HIM IN, TAKE HIM TO THE COPPERS WTF. Then Donghae has an idea of how to wrap the whole thing up.
Epilogue: Shindong joins the judo club, Yuri joins the dance club, and here comes Donghae down the hallway with a sparkly aura and screaming girls all around him. Yup, Donghae, after hearing Kibum’s terrible tale of criminal mischief and assault, volunteered to be pooped. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE LIKES THIS MOVIE. Then the soundtrack plays some sort of bossa nova while Kibum narrates his musings about the whole humorous end to the thing (“tall, and tan, and young, and lovely, the super junior shit comes walking…”) and then it’s back at the skate park like the beginning of the movie again, with Donghae asking Kibum where all the poop came from (didn’t we already establish that?), along with physical demonstrations of said shitting. And then we wrap up with everyone out of character (and thus blessedly acting like themselves for once) and performing “Wonder Boy”, which we’ll cover tomorrow. Leeteuk reveals himself to be the panda, because he apparently was not supposed to be in the movie due to also being in recovery from the same accident as Kyuhyun, but found out on the internet where the closing scene was filming so he crashed it and they let him be the panda.